I truly hope that my children will never be so afraid of everything that comes their way.  My childhood was very sheltered and it made me so heart-breakingly shy that I hardly ever interacted with people other than my own family and a very few close friends. 

I would hope that my children experience a lot in their younger years that way when they reach adulthood, they don't feel like they need to catch up to other people their own age.  Being as sheltered as I was, I had a lot of experiences late in my life and I feel like it's too late to go out and get those experiences now.  I would want them to have independence and chase their dreams... things I wasn't allowed do and when I finally got to adulthood, was so petrified of change and the unknown, that I never allowed myself to do them. 
  

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It was like I knew that I wouldnt be able to handle work today. 

There's a lot going on right now.  Too much drama for me to even wrap my head around but I know for sure that I am going to have to deal with it.  Life is about to get really difficult soon.  There are parts of me to really want to run away, there are other parts of me that want to confront the problems head on. But it really isnt my problem... but I'm related to the people involved with this problem.

It's been quite a while since I last Xanga-ed.  The last entry made by me was rather sad, or at the very least hopeful about the future. 

Work has been stressing me the ef out and before today ended, it got even worse.  Seems like the horrible people  I work with/for have decided to involve me in a lie.  LISTEN CORPORATE STOOGES... I HAVE WAY BIGGER FISH TO FRY!  I dont have time for your BS because I have real life problems and don't need your made up drama to fill my life up.  Leave me out of it, and do yourself a favor and pick someone else's soul to eat.  You won't like what you taste because I have principles and ethics which I believe you sold for that fake ass smile you flash to everyone - five days a week, Monday through Friday - years ago.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving people.

So you can say that life has been less than kind to me.  As a person, I just love to laugh and make lots of sarcastic comments and jokes.  On the surface, my troubles seem to be rather shallow.  But there are only very few people who really know the truth behind my eyes.  It is more than just money problems, it's more than having a job that I hate ( and who doesn't hate their jobs?  I know I'm not alone in this.)

For the past couple of years I have kept it mostly to myself.  With the exception of a very few close to me, no one really knows the troubles on my mind.  So here it is... I will not be able to have a baby without medical help.  I don't share this information with just anyone, but I think in order for me to get over the issue and deal with it, I MUST talk about it.  And since there are already tears streaming down my face as I type this, I think it is the best thing that I just let it all out here. 

It has been a very emotional subject for me.  I have tried for so long to not let anyone see how painful it is when people ask me when my boyfriend and I would have children.  I know that they have no idea about my situation, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I see my nephews and think how privileged I am to have them in my life and because of them my whole view on family has changed.  I started wanting all of that for myself, a husband, a house, babies, the whole picket fenced dream.  So a couple of years ago I realized just how hard it would be to have babies if I hadn't had my period since I was in my early twenties and here I was 27 (at the time).  I never thought about it till that moment when I decided that I wanted to have a family of my own.  How could you have kids if you don't have a period?  The emotions started running over time, the whole subject made me so petrified.  To think after all these years of being so painfully shy because I was so worried that I was anything less than normal that it was true.  I had never felt less of a woman than that time.  It was just not a good time in my life.  I cried, often - behind closed doors.

My long time boyfriend has been so good to me.  He's so supportive, and am so lucky to have such a good person in my life.  He has encouraged me to get checked out and see what hurdles we have to jump in order to make this family begin.  I couldn't thank him enough for holding my hand through all this because I don't know how I could manage to do this with anyone else.  I had no idea how he would react in the situation.  It took all I had not to completely break down when I finally told him what was going on.

Two years ago I went to see this wonderful doctor that told me that I likely have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means without medical intervention, the likleyhood of us conceving a child would be slim to none.  For some insane reason I never got checked out then.  But this time around I spoke with my doctor and within a matter of 30 minutes I have myself an appointment next month with someone who can help us make this dream come true.  It is a healthy first few steps for me because I've been so guarded for so long.  I can't wait to see what my half Laotian, white-hispanic babies will look like.

This passing weekend was Lao New Year weekend.  There is an annual celebration at our local temple in Royse City. TX.  I helped my sister and my brother's girlfriend with their booth.  They sold snacks and novelty fun items like water guns, shaving cream, sparklers, and other glow in the dark type items.  I mostly just drove stuff there and packed stuff for them and tried really hard to stay out of the way.  Here's the two days in pictures.

Saturday, the 18th was really humid because it had rained most of the day on Friday and up until noon the next day.


Danny after playing in the annual touch football tournament.


My cousin's shoes.


My brother's crusty legs.


Some guys pushing a truck out of the mud.














There's a pageant every year also.


Sunday was about 10 degrees cooler & not humid at all.



 








  
 There was a parade.




Complete with Motorcyclists.

And this party animal.


All in all, it was a good time.